Finally, there is a direct path to the chemicals responsible for producing pleasure and happiness in your brain.
All you have to do is listen to Aaron Kosharsky’s new album “Aaron Kosharsky: The Beginning 10 YR Anniversary”. Just please be aware, you will crash hard after coming down from the orgasmic experience that is this album. In fact, the very act of not listening to it can cause severe trauma.
A sole glance at the album cover (Kosharsky in front of a white background with his best, ‘Let’s party, boys’ face) conveys the message that this is something special. The 17-masterpiece album is a journey into the heavens. Kosharsky is a plagiarist, he’s stolen all the beauty in this planet and recorded it onto a cd-r, but who would have the courage to prosecute him for that crime?
Seriously though, most of the music actually is stolen -- the music is half public domain instrumentals plucked from the Internet and originally produced -- not sure how, music. There are a few exceptions, the track “Do the Daffy” for example.
Regardless, the music is secondary. Kosharsky’s vocal style is the real main attraction. At times soulful, at others sweet as a grape Ringpop, his voice weaves a silky thread through his songs, never having to raise his voice and able to belt out emotions faster than the emoticons on your iPhone.
His voice has to be heard to be believed, it cannot be compared to any artist living or dead or yet to be born. To compare it to inanimate objects and non-humans? That’s a little bit easier. My best attempt would be that it sounds like pulling a cat larynx over a slide whistle, then gently blowing into it. The vocals, combined with the "Too Real for TV" subject matter contained in the lyrics, make for a yummy audio snack.
The topics dealt with in the lyrics are nothing new, however, their phrasing is masterful. On the track “Overcoming Adversity”, Kosharsky languidly chirps the knock-you-on-your-butt phrase, “Life is Mean…” Not something you hear too often, but like Shakespeare (a famous poet), Kosharsky’s album introduces multiple phrases that are destined to become future idioms.
Every word is inspirational and positive. Even the track “Singing the Blues” avoids any reference to anything negative. Kosharsky cleverly accomplishes this by simply singing the words “singing the blues” over and over again and nothing else. However, the best example is the album’s mega hit, with an accompanying video has became a viral sensation, “Be True to Yourself.” I would provide an example of some of the lyrics, but they are so embedded with positivity and inspiration that every time I try and type them they mysteriously convert into ☺ emojis.
I eat wholesome foods and exercise regularly now that I’ve heard Aaron Kosharsky’s album. I want to prolong my life as long as I can so I have optimal time to listen to it. Think of the album as an instructional map for a happy productive life. The songs are anthems for the human spirit. Yes, life is mean, but Kosharsky’s going to make everything alright.
See Aaron Kosharsky's YouTube Page Here!
Is that “Call Me Maybe” tattoo not getting the laughs it used to? Thought that trend would last a little longer, didn’t you friend? Unfortunately, it’s extremely difficult to tell which trends will last only a few short moments (Papa Roach hit clips) and which will live on forever (saying “Thanks Obama [sarcastically]).” But there is an answer. The ingenuity of the human mind has once again arrived to pull us out of the sewer of stupidity. A new product that combines the technology of mosquito bites and body modification is hitting the market and ready to turn everyone into a star. Meet Mosquito Bitez!
The genius of the invention lies in its simplicity. It all starts with a mosquito bite. In the past, a mosquito bite was viewed as a negative thing, an itchy bump on the skin that didn’t look anything like a cool celebrity. All that has changed. With this new product, a mosquito bite is a fashion statement. Here’s how it works; after receiving your mosquito bite (and your excitement has subsided), press the small mosquito “bite-ation” device (think tiny cookie cutter) shaped like your favorite celebrity into your skin. The result is a really cool looking bite on your arm, that fades as quickly as the trend does.
Designs are not limited to celebrities, the mosquito “bite-ation” device also offers trending phrases, like “nothing is permanent, mama tried, and b*te me”. However, it is important to note that due to the small size of the bites, the phrases work best on extremely large bites or bite clusters. Mosquito Bitez also comes with a list of instructions on where to travel to receive the best bites, and areas to travel to in order to contract the newest trending mosquito-borne diseases.
Every time a new product hits the market, it has its apparent foibles, and this one is no exception. For example, everyone knows that the best looking, sexiest body art is reserved for the areas of the anatomy that are the most covered up. And it is also common knowledge that it is difficult to get a mosquito to bite you in these spots. Once again, Mosquito Bitez rises to the occasion. As stated on their website, while supplies last, they will mail you a packet of mosquito eggs and tips for how to grow your own winged sexy makers. The logic is obvious, once you have the opportunity to raise mosquitoes from birth it’s much easier to train them to bite your tramp stamp and bikini line. And on a side note, while doing some research of my own, I also discovered that YouTube has a prodigious list of mosquito egg recipes.
Imagine yourself in your old age, no embarrassing tattoos or holes in your skin, just acres of beautiful deeply creviced skin. Bald and toothless, you can parade your unmarked, naked body down the street on your hover walker in pride. You lived a great life, you were cool, and now that’s over. And all the evidence is gone forever, and in time, so will you be.
You can easily recall a time when you turned your friend’s slack, pretzel stuffed face into a gaping cavern of laughter by the mere utterance of this phrase. Typically the exclamation is spoken after a negative occurrence, however, the phrase has become quite versatile and can produce a reaction without a preceding comment or event.
In fact, there have been studies on Rhesus monkeys that lead researchers to believe the words spoken in this sequence can even make animals burst out in large belly laughs (a horror movie based on this concept is in the works). The phrase is “Thanks Obama!” -spoken sarcastically of course. But where did this phrase come from? How does it work?
The earliest recorded mention of “Thanks Obama (sarcastic)!”, or TOBS as I’ll now refer to it, is from a letter post marked 1986. An elderly man, Otis Lowback, sent a letter to then president Ronald Reagan inquiring about his strategy on how to handle the troubling snap-bracelet trend.
It is not entirely understood how, but somehow the man confused president Reagan with future president Barrack Obama, and at the end of his letter wrote the now well-known phrase “TOBS”. It is not known if president Reagan found the words as funny as we now find them, but what researchers do know, is that the words were never written or spoken in that sequence again until 2008.
TOBS has received many accolades, ranging from being the savior of dreary day to salvaging parties gone awry. It has even risen to the top of the entertainment industry, being mentioned in major motion pictures and popular television shows. And it is funny every.single.time.
In the vein of my favorite social experiment, the Pepsi challenge, I decided to test this theory out. I randomly approached strangers and spoke 3 phrases to them, “Who let the dogs out?”, “That’s what she said,” and “TOBS.” I purposefully left TOBS for last. I didn’t want laughter from the phrase to bleed over and contaminate the other phrases. And just as I predicted. “TOBS” made my test subjects laugh every time. In fact, I couldn’t help but produce a little giggle myself. Hehe.
I’d like to end with a personal anecdote that I feel really highlights what a hilarious, original piece of comedy TOBS is. It was a frigid night in Western New York. A friend was having a housewarming party and invited a group of close friends over. After stomping the sticky snow off my feet I greeted the host with, “Stayin warm?” As you can tell I was already prepared to make some jokes; however, upon entering the house I noticed the rest of the guests where sitting looking bored in the dimly lit apartment. Low key, sap music leaked from the speakers as the guests looked around room, avoiding eye contact and frequently sipping their beers to keep themselves entertained. I knew I had to act fast. What was resulted was a super soaker stream of TOBS's. There was even a point where I was saying it without letting people finish their sentences.
Laughter began to fill the room like a toilet tank filling with water after the flush of a particularly difficult turd. And then some magical happened. During a lull in the laughter, “Tarzan Boy” started playing on the sound system, followed by the host entering from the kitchen with a pot in one hand and a pan in the other. Instinctively, the rest of the us joined him and formed a conga-line that circled the entire apartment three times!
I’m sure everyone has a similar story. A nightmare turned into delightmare, by the just speaking those lifesaving words. Yes, they’re just words, but words have power. We still aren’t any closer to figuring out how TOBS works, but that’s part of the fun. If you have to explain a joke, that is a good indicator that it wasn’t funny in the first place. And as far as I know, everyone in the entire world thinks TOBS is funny no matter how many times it is spoken.