Is that “Call Me Maybe” tattoo not getting the laughs it used to? Thought that trend would last a little longer, didn’t you friend? Unfortunately, it’s extremely difficult to tell which trends will last only a few short moments (Papa Roach hit clips) and which will live on forever (saying “Thanks Obama [sarcastically]).” But there is an answer. The ingenuity of the human mind has once again arrived to pull us out of the sewer of stupidity. A new product that combines the technology of mosquito bites and body modification is hitting the market and ready to turn everyone into a star. Meet Mosquito Bitez!
The genius of the invention lies in its simplicity. It all starts with a mosquito bite. In the past, a mosquito bite was viewed as a negative thing, an itchy bump on the skin that didn’t look anything like a cool celebrity. All that has changed. With this new product, a mosquito bite is a fashion statement. Here’s how it works; after receiving your mosquito bite (and your excitement has subsided), press the small mosquito “bite-ation” device (think tiny cookie cutter) shaped like your favorite celebrity into your skin. The result is a really cool looking bite on your arm, that fades as quickly as the trend does.
Designs are not limited to celebrities, the mosquito “bite-ation” device also offers trending phrases, like “nothing is permanent, mama tried, and b*te me”. However, it is important to note that due to the small size of the bites, the phrases work best on extremely large bites or bite clusters. Mosquito Bitez also comes with a list of instructions on where to travel to receive the best bites, and areas to travel to in order to contract the newest trending mosquito-borne diseases.
Every time a new product hits the market, it has its apparent foibles, and this one is no exception. For example, everyone knows that the best looking, sexiest body art is reserved for the areas of the anatomy that are the most covered up. And it is also common knowledge that it is difficult to get a mosquito to bite you in these spots. Once again, Mosquito Bitez rises to the occasion. As stated on their website, while supplies last, they will mail you a packet of mosquito eggs and tips for how to grow your own winged sexy makers. The logic is obvious, once you have the opportunity to raise mosquitoes from birth it’s much easier to train them to bite your tramp stamp and bikini line. And on a side note, while doing some research of my own, I also discovered that YouTube has a prodigious list of mosquito egg recipes.
Imagine yourself in your old age, no embarrassing tattoos or holes in your skin, just acres of beautiful deeply creviced skin. Bald and toothless, you can parade your unmarked, naked body down the street on your hover walker in pride. You lived a great life, you were cool, and now that’s over. And all the evidence is gone forever, and in time, so will you be.